If Life is a Stage, I Want Better Lighting
by Scribbler86
Summary: A Deaf actor expresses worry as she loses her vision and thinks about what the future might bring. Told through music.


Okay, I wasn't sure where to put this up - its' kinda of fanfic but at the same time, it's my story... Don't own the song lyrics - they go to their respective owners. This is a one-shot. Not sure where I need improvements or any other song lyrics that might fit in as well. Let me know what you guys think! Enjoy!

If Life is a Stage, I Want Better Lighting

I never saw it coming. Certainly, seat C15 gave me a clear view of the stage in front of me as I sat in the auditorium of a fancy theater in downtown, but it didn't give me a clear view of the things churning in my mind. My mind was on the future but my eyes were in the past and I couldn't change it. Looking back at the time I was 13 and worrying about my destiny while I should be worrying about what was "in" and what was "out." Yes, people did think about their destinies that far back and I did have big plans for myself in the incoming future. Only those plans did not include deaf-blindness. I knew I was Deaf - I had no problem being Deaf. But Deaf-blind? That was another issue. Now, regarding the stage in front of me as I pictured myself on stage in the limelight, I never thought about the day where I would be shoved into the shadows of the wing spaces and left in the dark.  
Oh, all right, enough! This isn't working! _(Stand up. Walk to the stairs and pause at the bottom step with uncertainty. With a touch of imbalance, walk up the steps to the stage with victory upon landing on both feet.)_ Much better. If' I'm going to tell a story, I'm going to tell it the right way, as an actor, a musician and the director of my own life and my visionary future. Here I am, standing upon the stage in front of a screaming audience - only my ears are deaf to their cheers. _(Looks around)_. I need music. Music is central to one's story, including mine. Music - music. Music? _(Waves at the conductor. The conductor starts up the band.)_ No no no no! _(Waves hands in disgust over choice of music.)_ This is MY story. MY show. _(Cue "Hard Work" from _FAMEThat means I get to pick the pieces and that's not one of them. 

I'M ALIVE AND I WILL SURVIVE  
SHOW THE WORLD THAT I CAN TAKE IT  
WHEN I HIT THE HEIGHTS  
PUT MY NAME IN LIGHTS

_ FAME_ was one of the shows I had the opportunity to participate in during high school. I thought I could be like those kids in the story who believed they would live forever. They danced atop taxi cabs on 42nd street, for heaven's sakes! _(Undertone)_ Wanna hear a secret? _(Whispers)_ I was jealous of them. I mean, what were the chances a Deaf individual had of winning a coveted spot at PA - Performing Arts school? But now that I look back on doing _FAME_, fame itself wasn't everything. Yet I wanted to leave a mark on this world. My destiny. The same destiny I worried over cake at 13 years old.  
During _FAME_, a well-meaning cast mate asked the infamous question asked of a Deaf person, "How did you become Deaf?" Honestly? I didn't know. I wasn't stricken Deaf by meningitis like many of my peers. Nor did I take a pencil and stick the pointed end in my ears until it bled. When she brought up the topic of Usher's Syndrome, I didn't know what to think of it. "No, not me. Never!" That 'disease' only affected Deafblind individuals - not Deaf like me! DeafBLIND! I never thought about it being the type that brought Deaf kids down to their knees, begging their genes to spare their eyes. The prospect of going blind scared me. The topic stuck itself into the recesses of my mind and I soon forgot about it. Only then did I go to Disney World did the thought resurface.  
Being one of the lucky recipients of the scholarships reserved for college students harboring a Nucleus cochlear implant, I got the chance to travel to Walt Disney World for a weekend. It wasn't my first time to the land of Mickey and pixie dust, but it was the first time I encountered trouble. Disney parks are supposed to be immune to trouble, right? That's what it says on the marquee - "The Happiest Place on Earth" - only it wasn't happy for me during that visit. Already belittled by the cochlear implant community for being a signer while I should have taken the path of Oralism, I put up a fight for the advocacy of sign language. Seething from the controversy, I took off to the parks with my mother. With the sun setting behind the castle, I discovered upon exiting "It's a Small World" that it was difficult to distinguish my mother's signing. I knew I had night blindness but I didn't give a second thought to it - I disregarded it as folly, blaming the incandescent lights of Fantasyland for blinding me with the catchy lullaby wafting from the ride. Mom didn't agree - she signed a phrase that I couldn't catch but I could read the worry forming on her face - the eyes betrayed her. _(Cue "Supercalifragilistic-expialidocious" from _Mary Poppins  
Later upon my return to school, I discovered that night blindness was only the first step in my gradual degeneration of the eyes. I knew I couldn't see well at night. So what? What struck me was the fact that I had to step backwards to see my mother's signing hands as my field vision was second to go. That means… no…. it can't be right…I look up and lie when people ask how things are going…

IT'S SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS  
EVEN THOUGH THE SOUND OF IT IS QUITE ATROCIOUS  
IF YOU SAY IT LOUD ENOUGH, YOU"LL ALWAYS APPEAR PRECIOUS  
SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS!

Of course, life wasn't exactly 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious'! But under the pretense of the atrocious word, I was able to hold on the wisps of thoughts that formed my dreams. Dreams? What dreams? All I wanted to do was do a musical entirely in sign language. Like how Deaf West did with the revival of _Big River_ - only I wanted something that was already running on Broadway and not a revival. Especially not with interpreters hiding on the corner of the stage, trying to catch up. But what good were my dreams if I couldn't find my way around the dark that inhabits the backstage? Or what do I do when I trip over scenery and fellow actors? What am I supposed to do? Clear the stage of debris and stand here doing a solo rendition of "Supercalifragilisticexpiali-docious" with leading myself into a notion that everything would be fine when in reality, it wasn't? I don't think so. _(Cue "Close Every Door" from _Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat I felt that doors were being slammed shut in my face and I couldn't do anything about it. 

CLOSE EVERY DOOR TO ME

HIDE ALL THE WORLD FROM ME

BAR ALL THE WINDOWS

AND SHUT OUT THE LIGHT

So it was off to the hospital for me to do some tests to confirm that my eyes were indeed betraying me. Let me tell you before we go into the gruesome details of the visits - the little known fact about myself and my eyes not being compatible with things near my eyes. _(Sits down on a chair, center stage)_. In fact, I erupt into full-blown drama queen mode if a doctor approaches me with an instrument designed to 'touch' my eyes, whether it be eye drops or the blue-tipped glaucoma stick… _(Strike a defensive pose against an imaginary doctor)_ Not only were tools the enemy - light was both a salvation and an enemy. Those little picture-taking machines? They were hell for me. What should have been six quick and painless pictures evolved into fifty-six attempts of getting me to keep my eyes open long enough for an exposure of the back of my eyes. And you're telling me that everything was just supercalifragilisticexpialidocious? I don't think so - I haven't told you about the worst part. The nurse shut me up in a dark room. _(Clutches chair for dear life)_. Not just your average dark room. Imagine an 8x8 room with a couch inside. Door shut. No windows. No lights - not even the trusty EXIT sign one finds in the hallways. DARK. Forty-five minutes in that room seemed like forty-five hours as I sat on the couch, waiting for my eyes to adjust. 

Then just when I lost all hope for companionship, the nurses enters all 'supercalifragilistic' and hooked me up to this machine in front of me. Brandishing a pair of contact lenses with wires attached, the nurse attacked me, trying to get the foreigners into my eyes. _(Covers eyes with hands and shaking head)_. I put up a good fight. I don't like the dark. I don't like not knowing who's out there when I can't hear or see them approaching… _(Stage lights go out. There is a scream. Lights flash back on.)_ See what I mean? Lock me up in a dark room for 45 minutes and you expect to be all Zen-like instead of going ballistic? I chose the latter path and sat there screaming my head off while Mom wrestled the iPod cable into my cochlear implant and started the music. _(Cue "Seasons of Love" from_ RENT. There's one thing that has any crack at calming down. Music. But this wasn't the most opportune selection to play at a time like this - I didn't want to be reminded of how much time I had left before my eyes left me on a deserted island with no support whatsoever.

FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES  
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND MOMENTS SO DEAR  
FIVE HUNDRED TWENTY-FIVE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED MINUTES  
HOW DO YOU MEASURE, MEASURE A YEAR?

Unfortunately, the music didn't do justice. It was only on the verge of failure that the nurse made a side comment about the possibility of physically restraining me to the table and knocking me out so they could continue with their attempt to get inside my head. But there was no need to go any further - they knew - I knew.  
What you see right now from your seats is what I see in life. Ignore your fellow theatre patrons around you. Take no notice of the orchestra pit in front of you. The loges - the box seats - they don't exist. The light fixtures? Gone. The proscenium arch has disappeared. All you see is the stage itself and me standing upon it staring you down in a staring contest. But you're winning. You have the opportunity that I don't. I'm standing here in the light with puppets in my hands. I can control life up here. But when I'm down among you, the puppets hang on their strings, void of life and hope. _(Throws away imaginary puppets)_. I can't control life. I can't even control my own genes who betrayed me. The lights? I can control the stage lights but not the lights in my eyes. The light is fading, no matter how high I crank the voltage input and it scares me. What do I do? The light switch only goes so far before it hits its maximum energy output. The puppets only have the lengths of their life lines. The soundboards go up to the last button. There are limits to what I can and can't control. And I feel like I'm losing control. So what do I do about this? I unthink it. _(Cue "Hakuna Matata!" from_ The Lion King. I thought that if I didn't dwell upon it, the issue of my eyes would go away. The light and sound cues will stay where they are. 

HAKUNA MATATA! WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE!  
HAKUNA MATATA! AIN'T NO PASSIN CRAZE!  
IT MEANS NO WORRIES FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS  
IT'S OUR PROBLEM-FREE PHILOSOPHY!

But I was wrong. The light and sound board can be reset to its factory settings. My eyes can't. They only have until the batteries in my eyes wear off and die. _(Cue "Point of No Return" from _Phantom of the Opera. I knew I couldn't go back to the days of not worrying about my eyes. Nor would I dwell on how much time I had left to experience my favorite shows on Broadway - much lest take part in them.

PAST THE POINT OF NO RETURN  
THE FINAL THRESHOLD, THE BRIDGE  
IS CROSSED, SO STAND AND WATCH IT BURN  
WE'VE PASSED THE POINT OF NO RETURN

So I can't recover the lost sight…I can't turn back…. Right now I want to be someone else, someone not afflicted by the little issue of eyes betraying oneself. So I put on a mask. I had to suppress my feelings and thoughts and prance around as if nothing were wrong. Deep down inside, the truth stabbed into my gut like one of those fake swords with the retraceable blades. I wasn't ready to admit the truth. Everything was 'supercalifragilisticexpialidocious' on the outside while inside I was tearing myself apart. I already had enough frustration in life due to lack of communication access - I didn't need more barriers piled upon the barricade already established. _(The barricade from _Les Miserables_ comes in view)_ So I put on a mask - to mask my true feelings. To hide from the world. To hide from myself, convincing myself it wasn't really happening. I hid behind a fabricated mask as I stepped in character apart from my true soul. It was all a game I played with myself yet I never quite passed 'Go'.

MASQUERADE!  
SEETHING SHADOWS, BREATHING LIES…  
MASQUERADE!  
YOU CAN FOOL ANY FRIEND WHO EVER KNEW YOU!

Sometimes the pain becomes too much for me to bear. It hits me at the times when I'm most likely to be alone, devoid of companionship. My three imaginary friends come out to play and we have a grand time destroying our worlds and fabricating memories that were not there in the first place. _(Cue cell block from_ Chicago.No matter what people say, no matter what they do, I can't escape the cellblock that I have been confined to, unable to see the sun on my face. I'm standing right here, yet no one acknowledges my screaming pleas for attention. Light a fuse and I go off like a firecracker, unable to suppress it all. Feelings-thoughts - they escape my mind and betray me as I scramble in the dark abyss towards the fading pinprick of light in the distance. _(Mimes destroying a room full of objects)_. Lies! Lies! People told me everything would be okay! _(Cue "Oklahoma" from_ Oklahoma. But it's not okay! Look at me! I'm NOT okay! It was never okay! Oklahoma - you're NOT okay! _("Oklahoma" stops at a standstill)_. Every time I try and hold on a wisp of hope, it turns back on me and hits me in the head! _(Take baton from conductor and brandish it as if it were a magic wand)_. Give me wind! _(Cue tornado from _The Wizard of Oz. Give me water! _(Cue water spouts from "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" in _Fantasia. Give me thunder! _(Cue drum rolls)_ Give me light! LIGHT! _(Lightning cracks on stage)_. Dragon! _(Cue the Time Dragon clock from _Wicked_ where it roars to life magically and sweeps over the heads of the audience)._ Throw everything you've got! (_Cue chandelier from_ Phantom of the Opera _which spins at a dizzy speed before crashing on stage, sending the lights fizzling until they engulf the stage in total darkness))._ Seems every time I try something good, I get kicked in the eyes. _(Cue eerie fire-like lights giving the impression the stage is on fire)_ What can I do to stop it? Nothing. NOTHING! Absolutely nothing! _(Cue "No Good Deed" from _Wicked Nothing can pull me over the line. I'm too far gone - I've crossed the threshold into the Dark side. _(Maniac laughter. Music swells to a crescendo. Throw the baton towards the balcony in fury. Fireworks erupt from baton upon contact with balcony)._

NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED!  
NO ACT OF CHARITY GOES UNRESENTED  
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED  
THAT'S MY NEW CREED!

(_Using arms, the fires burn higher and higher until they burn out of control)_. But I think about the people I've caused pain…. People I shunned away because I was too afraid to admit I needed help…. _(Hands control the size of the fires, bringing them to controllable levels)._ I forget I'm not the only one suffering through this… _(Wind dies down)_. Others… like my parents… my friends…_(fires burn to a steady camp-fire sized fire that refuses to extinguish itself)_. All I want are for my eyes to stop betraying me… _(Surveying the damage done on stage with regret)._ But as I look at the damage I've caused through my meltdowns and refusal for comfort, it hits me. It's not going to go away. No matter what mask I neither chose nor trying to ignore the fingers cast in my direction while I curse at the world to blame…. There are always three fingers pointing back at myself… _(Demonstration with hand)_ I can't outrun it. The light always knows where to find me. It always knows when it will shut its glory on me. _(Cue "I Have Confidence" from _The Sound of Music I can't hide from it. I have to go out there and face the spotlight.

OH I MUST STOP THESE DOUBTS, ALL THESE WORRIES  
IF I DON'T, I JUST KNOW I'LL TURN BACK  
I MUST DREAM OF THE THINGS I'M SEEKING  
I AM SEEKING THE COURAGE I LACK

I gotta move on. I gotta stop looking back with regrets - or into the future of things I know I won't be able to do. _(Cue "I Move On" from _Chicago I gotta move on forward, just keep moving. I gotta go through the motions. Gotta keep running towards the end of the tunnel before the light goes out for good. Gotta play my puppets while I can.

JUST WHEN IT SEEMS WE'RE OUT OF DREAMS  
AND THINGS HAVE GOT US DOWN  
WE DON'T DESPAIR - WE DON'T GO THERE  
WE HANG OUT BONNETS OUT OF TOWN  
WE JUST MOVE ON….

But I can't do it alone… I used to think I could… but I know I don't have control over my life anymore. I can't lose sight of reality but at the same time, I gotta make-believe. _(Cue "You'll Never Walk Alone" from _Carousel I have to move on and live today but I know I won't be running alone.

WALK ON, WALK ON WITH HOPE IN YOUR HEART  
AND YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE  
YOU'LL NEVER, NEVER WALK ALONE  
WALK ON, WALK ON WITH HOPE IN YOUR HEART

They tell me there's hope. Clinical researches are under way and lab rats are being brutalized in hopes my sight might be preserved. Someday there'll be a day where my proscenium-sized view won't deteriorate any further. _(Cue "Tomorrow" from _Annie But now I know I'm not alone. That there is hope. _(There is a sun rising on the cyclorama. It is the sun from _The Lion King 

WHEN I'M STUCK WITH A DAY  
THAT'S GRAY AND LONELY  
I JUST STICK OUT MY CHIN  
AND GRIN AND SAY OH  
THE SUN'LL BE OUT TOMORROW

Yup, the sun'll come tomorrow as they say. I look into the present. I gotta keep my head up high with a grin on my face and treat everyday as if it were "supercalifragil-isticexpialidocious". And mean it. Live each day as if it were my last day on Earth with color-rich views. Of course, it's limited to the space within the proscenium arch, but that's where the magic takes place, right? _(Cue "Finale B" from _RENT Yes, I've not come to terms yet, but I'm on the path straying away from denial while turning onto the path to acceptance. But for now, I gotta live the moment. There's so much to do - Broadway shows to see, movies to watch, books to be read, trips to take, wonders to be experienced. So much to drink in and so little time.

THERE'S ONLY US, THERE'S ONLY THIS  
FORGET REGRET, OR LIFE IS YOURS TO MISS  
NO OTHER ROAD, NO OTHER WAY  
NO DAY BUT TODAY

_(Lights dim slowly. Music fades out. Sound of applause)._


End file.
